Okay, so we talk about attachment styles a lot. Anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, all of it. And usually we're talking about it in relationships with other people. Your partner, your mom, your friends.
But what about the attachment style you have with yourself?
I sat down with my dear friend and fellow therapist, Dr. Danica Harris, on the Strong but Struggling Podcast to talk about exactly this. Danica is a somatic experiencing practitioner and complex trauma expert, and y'all, this conversation was so good. So let's get into it.
What Attachment Actually Means
The way Danica explains attachment is so simple, and I love it. Attachment is answering the question: when I need you, are you there?
Secure attachment means the answer is yes. The other person is responsive, available, and attuned to you. Most of us, if not all of us, have some insecurity in our attachment, both with other people and with ourselves.
So now flip that question around. When you need you, are you there?
And if your answer is "ummm... not really," you're definitely not alone.
Now, one thing Danica said that I really want to highlight. Showing up for yourself does not mean no accountability, no responsibilities, and endless breaks. That's not it. Showing up for yourself means being responsive to what you actually need in that moment. Sometimes that's a nap. Sometimes it's emptying the dishwasher now so tomorrow-you isn't drowning.
How Being Hard on Yourself Becomes Self-Abandonment
Danica shared that, like a lot of millennial women, she grew up with a very critical upbringing. And we tend to internalize the voices of the people around us. So she became relentlessly hard on herself. She'd have a totally normal conversation with someone and then be riddled with shame later. Did I say something weird? What are they thinking about me?
Same, girl. Same.
For me, it looked like zero self-confidence and constantly asking, "What does everybody think of me? Am I good enough for them?" It led me into a lot of codependency. Like, if you're okay, I'm okay, because I didn't have a sense of self to stand on. I was trying to prove myself and make up for my mistakes based on other people's standards... that I wasn't even sure were their standards. I was just assuming.
When we're so focused on belonging with other people, we forget to belong with ourselves. And that's the self-abandonment piece. Every time we reject ourselves to keep everyone else comfortable, we teach our nervous system that we can't count on us.
We both had a turning point. Danica was standing in her kitchen around 30 and just said, "I am not gonna do this one more day. On my last day on earth, I'm not gonna be glad I was hard on myself." Mine was one of those rock bottom slash epiphany moments rolled into one. I was like, why am I choosing people who don't have my best interest at heart? I'm gonna choose myself now. (I talk more about that kind of moment in When the Strong-One Mask Begins to Crack.)
And no, I didn't wake up loving myself the next day. I wish! It was the beginning of the end of self-abandonment, and it's been building ever since.
What Your Attachment Style With Yourself Looks Like
Danica gave the best example of how each attachment style can show up with yourself, using a job interview. And quick reminder, you're not stuck in one style forever. Most of us are a mix, and it can change depending on the situation.
Secure: You interview the company back. You negotiate. You ask yourself, "Do I actually want to be here?"
Anxious: You're so grateful they want you that you take a job below your pay and skills, and you override every red flag.
Avoidant: You look for everything wrong with it. One red flag and you're out, without even asking a question.
Disorganized: The whole thing feels so overwhelming that you can't even get the application turned in.
Y'all, this one hit home. When I started working at Eating Recovery Center, I was SO desperate for them to pick me as a primary therapist that I didn't question a single thing. I didn't negotiate my pay. I just said yes. And that was also my codependent queen era. Of course it was. However you show up in your relationships is going to show up in your relationship with yourself too.
You Already Have More Security Than You Think
Here's something we don't do enough. We go looking for everything that's wrong. The triggers, the patterns, the stuff that needs to be fixed. We rarely go looking for what secure already feels like.
Danica always looks for where her clients already have security. Maybe it's your work ethic. Maybe it's a hobby you keep up with, a walk you take every morning, or a routine you never skip. There's a rhythm of security in that. And it shows you two really important things: what security feels like in your body, and that it's actually possible for you.
5 Ways to Build a Secure Attachment With Yourself
You don't have to overhaul your whole life to start trusting yourself again. Danica said it best: most of us are trying harder when we need to try softer. Here's where to start.
1. Ask yourself, "When I need me, am I there?"
Start with the basics. Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Do I need to pee? (Seriously, do you pee when you need to pee? So many of us hold it all day.) Do I need some fun? Do I need some connection? Every time you answer one of these, you're showing your body you're listening.
2. Find one small way to use your agency
Sometimes we feel so stuck in our circumstances that we think nothing can change until everything changes. Maybe you can't quit your job today. But could you wear something comfortable to work? Could you carry water with you? It sounds small, but it reminds you that you still have choices, and that's how self-trust gets built.
3. Ask the three capacity questions
Danica shared that she's in a busy season at work, and a friend invited her to a comedy show on a Friday night. Her gut said no before she even thought about it. Instead, she slowed down and asked: What is my capacity? What do I want? What do I need to do? And then: How am I gonna feel on the other side of this? She went, had the best time, and walked into her weekend feeling more balanced. Try asking these before your automatic yes or your automatic no.
4. Gather information instead of trying to make the "right" decision
This is where the nuance comes in. There isn't one right way to take care of yourself. If Danica had gone and felt depleted, that would've been helpful information too. Maybe Fridays aren't for plans in this season. You're allowed to try something, see how it feels, and switch gears. Be curious, not certain.
5. Do one thing that's just for you
In 2023, I went to Danica's retreat, Finding Your Way Home. It was the first time I did something big that was only for me. Time, money, energy, all of it. I even missed my son's soccer game, which I have a whole complex about. I told my husband, "I'm doing this, and you're in charge of the kids." And he was like, "Okay." Now nights away for me are just normal in our house. It doesn't have to be a five-day retreat. But it does have to be something you choose because you know you need it.
Reclaim Reminder
Building a secure attachment with yourself isn't about loving yourself perfectly every day. It's about showing up for yourself a little more often than you abandon yourself. And over time, that adds up. I'll be honest... your girl was a mess. But it really does get better.
You don't have to figure this out alone. That's exactly why I created Her Steady Circle, my monthly nervous system membership for high-functioning women who are done holding it all together by themselves. Every Monday you get a short practice that helps you check in with yourself inside your real life, plus a monthly live coaching call with me and a community of women learning to show up for themselves too. The first 7 days are free, so you can see how it feels before deciding it's for you. See what's inside Her Steady Circle.
Want to hear the full conversation with Danica? Listen to the Strong but Struggling Podcast. You can also find Danica on Instagram at @TheEmpoweredTherapist.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean to have a secure attachment with yourself?
It means that when you need yourself, you show up. You notice what you're feeling and needing, you respond to it, and you trust yourself to handle what comes up. It's the same "when I need you, are you there?" question we ask in relationships, just pointed back at you.
What is anxious attachment with yourself?
Anxious attachment with yourself often looks like looking outward for approval to feel okay. You might take less than you deserve, override red flags, or feel shame after normal interactions because you're preoccupied with how you were received.
How do I start trusting myself again?
Start small. Meet your basic needs when you notice them, make one small choice that's just for you, and get curious about how it feels. Self-trust gets built through repetition and gentleness, not by trying harder.
Alyssa Booth is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Women's Nervous System Coach with 12+ years in the mental health field. She's the creator of the RECLAIM Method™, a trauma-informed framework that helps high-functioning, over-functioning women get out of survival mode and actually feel like themselves again. She's been featured in New York Magazine's The Cut, Delish, and Force Magazine, and she works with women who look strong on the outside but are struggling behind closed doors. If that's you, you're in the right place.
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