So you've decided you're going to regulate your nervous system. You've been watching a ton of reels about it, right? Breathwork and journaling and walking and bilateral beats and tapping and cold plunges and gratitude lists and some gentle yoga. It all sounds so good. Every video is like, "you can do this too!" And you're like, yeah, let me do this.
So day one, you crush it. As you do. Gratitude list, morning meditation, all of it. Day two, still going. Day three, your kid wakes up at 5:30 with a fever.
You've been home with a sick kid for five days, you're sleep deprived, you're starting to feel like crap yourself, and then your other kid starts sniffling. You can't take off work. The routine? Completely out the window.
Here's what your brain usually does next. It doesn't say, "well, that was a rough week, life ebbs and flows." It says, "It's ruined. I can't even do this." So you skip the whole thing for another two weeks, because honestly, why bother? And then you tell yourself, okay, I need to get it together, and you start all over again at day one.
If that's you, I get it. I have started and stopped routines more times than I can count.
The Go-Go-Go Crash Cycle Is Running Your Routine
The reason your routine keeps falling apart is what I call the go-go-go crash cycle. It's that all-or-nothing place where we're either doing ALL of the things, or we're so overwhelmed we come crashing down. And that crash doesn't always look like doing nothing. It can look like getting sick. It can look like an autoimmune flare-up. It's your body saying, we can't do this anymore, this is not sustainable.
And then the guilt and shame show up, because you couldn't keep up.
Most women who come to work with me aren't new to nervous system regulation. They've listened to the podcasts and know what a window of tolerance is. What's happened is they've turned regulation into a project.
And here's what I always say: we can't heal using the same tools that have kept us stuck. If you're trying to regulate with a color-coded planner and a complete life overhaul and doing all of the right things every single day... it's not going to work. Perfecting and color coding and always doing the most are the exact things keeping you stuck. (I go deeper on this in You Think You Need Discipline, But What You Really Need Is Safety.)
Regulation Doesn't Mean Cool, Calm, and Collected
Nervous system regulation doesn't mean you're never emotional or completely unbothered. It means you're present with yourself during the ups and during the downs. The goal isn't to be "regulated" all day. It's noticing when you've left yourself.
Let me give you a real moment. You're in the car pickup line. Your kid gets in, you ask about their day, and they immediately burst into tears. You feel your entire body tense up. And you tell yourself, "I NEED to be regulated. I need to answer calmly. I can't let my emotions get the best of me."
So what do we usually do? We suppress it. And you can only suppress for so long before those emotions come out somewhere else.
Same with deep breathing. I'm not saying don't take deep breaths, y'all. But ask yourself: is it actually making me feel better, or is it helping me avoid the uncomfortable feeling?
And sometimes you can't have a crash out when you want to have a crash out. If you've got a big meeting, you can't spend 20 minutes in the bathroom falling apart. Sometimes it's just being honest: "I'm really overwhelmed right now. I'll be here for the first 20 minutes and then I'll excuse myself." We can do both.
Frequency Beats Intensity
A lot of us don't regulate until we're very, noticeably dysregulated. We're so used to holding it together that it's not until the breaking point that we're like, hmm, maybe I should take care of myself.
But a 60-second pause that brings you back to yourself, done over and over when you're not 10 out of 10 dysregulated, does a lot of the work for you. Safety gets built through repetition and small, steady steps.
Start With the Bar
Think about the gym. Imagine you haven't been in a decade, you walk in, stack the squat bar up to 250 pounds, and expect yourself to lift it. Your body is going to be like, yeah, nah dog. And now your brain associates the gym with failure, so you're not motivated to go back.
In DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), there's a skill called building mastery. You want your brain to believe you can do what you set out to do. That's why the brand new seven-step morning routine falls apart by Wednesday. So we start with the bar. The smallest thing possible. (More on that in Healing the All-or-Nothing Mindset.)
How to Regulate Your Nervous System in Real Life
You don't need a fancy routine, candles, journaling prompts, or a child-free home. If you're already struggling in the routine you have, please don't make a new one. Here's what I've done differently over the last few years. Take what fits your season of life.
1. Attach a Steady Pause to something you already do
Every single morning I make coffee. There is no waiting until 8:00. I'm awake, I brush my teeth, I pee, and I go straight to my Keurig. Usually my youngest is already up and wants to help... pod in, sugar, creamer. It happens every day. It never fails.
So that's where I add a check-in. How was my sleep last night? What's my energy level? Am I tired, sick, stressed, overwhelmed? Is my kid screaming at me at 5 a.m. before I've had my caffeine? (All valid.) Then I ask, what do I actually have capacity for today? Your anchor might be your commute or the drive after school drop-off.
2. Do one thing, one time
Pick one thing. One thing that sounds fun, or that makes you feel more like yourself. And do it one time this week. That's it. I actually don't want you to do it more than that. One time, one page, one sentence. Because if you're used to overfunctioning and always doing the most, letting one time be enough is a practice in and of itself. Then notice what comes up for you.
3. Pick back up instead of starting over
When the sick week hits (and it will), you don't have to go back to day one. That "I'll start over Monday" voice is the go-go-go crash cycle talking. Ask yourself, what's the smallest version of this I can do today? Even 60 seconds counts.
4. Let it be fun
Regulation skills don't always look like breathing and gentle yoga. Sometimes it's blasting your favorite playlist in the car and singing your heart out.
Y'all, I never thought I'd be a video game girly. Everyone in my house plays, and I'll admit I was judgy about it. Then this summer I started playing Animal Crossing and I'm obsessed. It's creative, it takes my mind off things, and it's not me doom scrolling. Sometimes it's going back to what you loved as a kid.
5. Take something off the list
When I had my youngest in 2022, I fell right back into survival mode, doing it all and controlling it all. I finally went to my husband, frustrated, and said, "I need help. I can't do this." And he said, "Well, I thought you liked doing it all."
I wanted to be mad. But from the outside, it totally looked like I did. So I told him, you need to put dinner on the table twice a week. I don't care how it gets here. You can cook it, order it, or channel it from another planet. Now? I can count on two hands the number of times I've cooked dinner in the last two years.
No partner who can cook? Find the path of least resistance. Pre-made meals, frozen meals, whatever works. I promise everybody will survive.
Sometimes the most regulating thing you can do is take something off the list. And sometimes it's putting yourself back on it.
The Reclaim Reminder
Regulation isn't a destination. It's choosing yourself, over and over, in small ways. It doesn't have to be some huge 180. It's building a life that includes you.
And my biggest piece of advice? Don't do this alone. I mean, you can, but you shouldn't. That's the only "should" I'll probably ever put on you.
That's exactly why I created Her Steady Circle, my monthly nervous system membership for high-functioning women who are done holding it all together by themselves. Every Monday you get a short practice that works inside your real life, plus a monthly live coaching call with me and a community of women who get it. The first 7 days are free, so you can see how it feels before deciding it's for you. See what's inside Her Steady Circle.
Want the full conversation? Listen to this episode of the Strong but Struggling Podcast.
Frequently Asked Questions
How often should I regulate my nervous system?
Small and often beats long and rare. A 60-second pause a few times a day, especially when you're not already at a 10 out of 10, builds more capacity than one long practice you only reach for when you're falling apart. If you're new to this, start with one practice, one time a week, and build from there.
Why can't I stick to a nervous system regulation routine?
Usually because the routine is too big. When you start with 250 pounds on the bar, every missed day feels like failure and your brain stops believing you can do it. Attach one small practice to something you already do, and when life happens, pick back up instead of starting over.
What counts as a nervous system regulation practice?
More than you'd think. Breathwork and journaling, yes, but also singing in the car, a walk you love, coloring, laughing with a friend, or asking for help. Regulation is about being present with yourself, not looking calm.
Alyssa Booth is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Women's Nervous System Coach with 12+ years in the mental health field. She's the creator of the RECLAIM Method™, a trauma-informed framework that helps high-functioning, over-functioning women get out of survival mode and actually feel like themselves again. She's been featured in New York Magazine's The Cut, Delish, and Force Magazine, and she works with women who look strong on the outside but are struggling behind closed doors. If that's you, you're in the right place.
👉 Learn more about working with Alyssa
